Without a care in the world...
Many emotions and memories flood my mind as I read what 16-year-old me wrote. It has only been about five years, but teenage high schooler “Emmie”, with her fast-paced handwriting and highly emotional spirit, is quite different from “Michelle”, whose handwriting is somewhat neater and who is slowly but surely becoming calmer and more composed, though she wears her heart on her sleeve just as much if not more than her younger self.
I read through it, finding an abundance of prayers, Bible verses, songs, references to my personal life. I find notes from documentaries and podcasts I listened to, incomplete family trees from before I had my DNA test done, important dates of my life up to that point, and the highs and lows of Junior year on Zoom. Then there is the little that I wrote between 2021 and 2022, documenting frustration, heartbreak, and a dying spiritual life. Then a small glimmer of hope as my high school graduation and a lonely summer faded into the light of starting college. My last entry in this specific journal? Late August of 2022. I smile, recognizing that this was the month my greatest gift came into my life - Jonah.
But the most precious words I find in the journal turn out to be those of a song, a song I learned from a dear friend during my first year of academy. I hadn’t heard this particular song in months, maybe over a year. It has a simple title. Home. The words fill my mind. I find them shifting, changing, becoming personal to me.
All is well with the world, and I'm not dreaming.
I ask my Amazon Echo to play it. The melody and words flood over and through me, and I am overwhelmed by the sense of calm and peace I feel. I realize that this song, describing the experience of waking up in the glory of eternity, free of cares, strife, tears, and enemies, resonates with how I feel right at that moment.
It's not that my life is perfect. But I'm peaceful. I'm content. I'm happy. So, so happy!
I belong, love is drawing me.
The words sink into my soul. They speak of heaven, but it connects so well with my current season of life. Because love has drawn me here. Because I have found belonging. Even in the midst of ongoing cares.
I feel that God is giving me a taste of heaven on earth. My relationship with Him is deepening, and I see the changes He’s making in me—I’m slower to speak, quicker to listen, and more focused on others. With the support of a skilled therapist and a caring emotional and spiritual support team, my chronic anxiety and trauma are easing. My heart feels full and satisfied, especially after my recent engagement to the love of my life, a beautiful redemption after a few years of devastating relationship failures that left me empty and broken.
Sorrows past...an old thing...
I think of what we’re told in Scripture. The kingdom of heaven is here. Not back there, not somewhere in the future, but here. Now. While in the world, pain and suffering are ours, but peace can be, too. We are intended to live in love and peace and harmony now. Not tomorrow. Right now.
As a Seventh-Day Adventist, I often hear about Jesus returning to establish His kingdom, but what if we're missing that He is already establishing it? The goal isn’t ultimately escaping this world, it's about restoring it. We love to sing about when we all get to heaven, but I think we forget that heaven is coming here. After a thousand years, earth and heaven will merge, and all will be recreated. We will finally be home. In the meantime, can we not see the glimpses of this miraculous merge in the brokenness of our lives? Dare I say, I think I have?
Love has brought me home at last...
My first year of college, I learned about spiritual pathways, nine different personality styles that individuals have in the context of a relationship with Christ. Some connect best through nature, others through tradition. Mine is a combination of the contemplative and sensate pathways - those whose spiritual connection is strongest through relational intimacy with God and who also experience Him through their senses. Perhaps the way these pathways are responded to in my heart are why I am led to tears as the song goes on.
Heart fluttering when He calls my name...no shame, nothing is hidden.
No shame. Nothing hidden. Nothing held back. I can say with every confidence that Jesus was the first one I ever fell in love with. First love in every sense of the word. But, as so often happens in the Christian walk, I chose to separate myself. My academics, my human relationships, what I thought I wanted and needed all took prominence over Him. I talked the talk, but didn't walk the walk for about two years. He never stopped chasing me.
Contrary to the belief that He is hard to get close to, God is in fact the relentless lover, chasing down His bride who has run from and cheated on Him time and time again. He did so with Israel, He has done so with the Church, and He has certainly done so with me. People have failed, betrayed, and abandoned me, but He never left, even when I fail, betray, and abandon Him. I've had people in my life who have gotten fed up with me and walked away, but the only Person who had any right to condemn me and walk away...doesn't.
The song begins to close, speaking of nations and tongues coming together, that marvelous day when the world will be made whole. I reflect on the suffering of the world, and can't help acknowledging that we are certainly not home yet. But, as aforesaid, "home" is nothing less than heaven and earth merging. It happens every time the Spirit breaks through, every time someone finds hope and healing, knowing the ultimate restoration is coming. We are close, so close.
I am grateful for the glimspes I am given in my life and in my soul. I have a wonderful family, supportive friends, a beautiful church and school community, and the man who will soon be my husband - all things that are blessings from above that lead me closer to that true Home and to my First Love.
I know I am where I belong. My heart and soul at least, have come home.
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