A shiver, part cold and part delight, runs down my spine as my feet touch the waters of the Pacific Ocean. A huge milestone has been marked off my bucket list. I have officially made it to the other side of the country, to the west coast, and my skin feels its waters for the very first time. I look at my partner, Jonah, the excitement in my eyes mirrored in his as he watches me. He knows what a big deal this is for me. He's watching a dream come true.
He gets in the water with me, trying to brace himself to the cold.
"Yeah, it's freezing!" Jonah laughs, rubbing his arms.
"That's why you move," I chuckle. I wade toward him, using my hand to splash the sea water in his face.
He laughs and ducks, shielding his eyes from the salt spray.
I laugh too, splashing him again, rougher this time, like a little kid. He gives me a wide eyed look before kicking up a splash that wets my face and hair. He grins from ear to ear, wading deeper into the water, nearer me.
"You keep that up and I'm gonna throw you in," he teases.
"Oh no, you don't!" I quickly move away from him, grinning. "You know I'm not a strong swimmer."
He shakes his head and smiles. "Nah, I wouldn't do that."
He wades further in, the waves crashing against his body. He notices something in the sand beneath amidst the watery chaos and reaches for it. A type of shell, sprinkled with blue, black, and white, and shaped like a butterfly. We had seen some near the tide pools on the other end of the beach, sitting on top of a child's sandcastle, and another sitting in the sand. Pulling it out, he examines it, then hands it to me.
"Why don't you go look this up and see what it is?"
I wade out of the water and walk up the shore to where our beach blanket is laid out with our bags. I get my phone out and take a picture of the butterfly shaped shell, then attach it to a Google lens search. The results come in. Similar pictures pop up on the screen. A blue mussel.
"How gorgeous," I murmur to myself. I turn and see Jonah walking up to me.
"What is it?"
"A blue mussel shell," I reply, turning it over in my hand.
"Ah, thought so."
"Sure would be a nice souvenir."
Jonah reaches for his phone and makes a search. "You can't take it," he says regretfully. "We're in a state park."
"Yeah, I was afraid of that." I sigh and examine the shell's markings again. "Well, at least I have the pictures."
I look out into the ocean. I'm saddened at the thought of leaving this beautiful piece of nature here. It would be such a perfect addition to my shell collection, the first off the west coast.
I consider the other times I've had to leave things behind, and the blue mussel suddenly becomes a symbol of my own experiences. I have left my home state to move to a new one and jumpstart my life. I have left my comfort zone to do ministry. I have twice left my heart in someone's keeping, only to have it broken. I left my family to come out here to California, to meet my partner's family, to see a side of him I never have but value as much if not more than what I already do. I left behind my own ideals and ambitions, to chase a life and calling greater than my own plans, designed by the Creator of the blue mussel...and of me.
I look at Jonah. "You know what, this is better left here anyway."
I walk back down to the water and wade in. I throw the shell back into the waves, watching as it quickly mingles with water, sand, and wind, and rides away. I have let it go, as I have been asked to let go of other things I loved and valued.
I am learning that God can and will replace all that is lost, and more. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen. Somehow, in some strange way, I even find that loss is gain. Even the losses that I may not see replaced in this life, I believe will be restored.
I didn't get to keep the blue mussel, but I had a greater gift.
I turn and look at Jonah, and our eyes meet. When I met him two years ago, his eyes were the first thing I noticed about him. Blue. Deep blue like the mussel, the iris sealing the similarity. Mixes of green in the corners of his eyes remind me of the ocean before us. But to me, they're even more beautiful than the ocean.
I turn back to face the waters, smiling to myself. God had already given me my blue mussel.
